I’m back in Beth’s office. She’s had the same bob and the same sad brown eyes since I first stepped into her office 4 years ago and I’m slowly losing my ability to filter what comes out of my mouth. I can’t stop picking at my skin and all I have are pens that bleed so my face is half stained crystal violet.  We’ll end this session like every other session, with a list of assigned homework I won’t do because the thought of spending any more time thinking about all the things in my life that shouldn’t have happened and I didn’t deserve but will have to heal from makes me ill. I cannot fathom why it is my responsibility to fix things I didn’t break and why a downward spiral is fine when you’re 15 but not on the brink of 21.

I watch the yellow-white flames creep up the curtain like a polaroid on fire. There’s an ache blooming in my chest. The street near my house is never not talking about me and I can’t seem to force myself to care. Here, I am stuck in the halfway house between unstable and a problem. Time splintered here and I will forever reek of vanilla and vodka and turpentine. I will be remembered for dancing drunk in the rain and a door I slammed so hard its hinges broke. I don’t sleep much and I know that 15 will follow me everywhere and the crumbly blue paint of my bedroom walls will hold the reverberations of me yelling forever. My mother doesn’t love me in a language I can understand and I am tired of learning. I have my father’s rage: this is my house and I will burn it down how I see fit.

Hi,

It definitely seems like you may be headed for a full manic episode or it could be hypomania. This is a mood state characterized by persistent disinhibition and elevated mood that is less severe than mania.  Hypomania affects your mood, thoughts, and behavior, and makes you feel more energetic and confident than usual. However, it can also impair your judgment and increase your risk of engaging in risky or impulsive actions. Try to stop and think before make any major decisions. Are you taking your medication?

Her snake plant is dying. I know this because a search for the hardest plants to kill pulls up snake plants as a search result and so I have one I forget to water in a grey marbled pot in my bedroom. I have no interest in gardening. But when people run out of ways to tell you that your childhood sounds earmarked for examples for the DSM-5 people tell you to spend time outside and on the days I cannot face the world I bring it to me. We never talk about her life. I don’t know how old her son is or what her scars are and if she gave them to herself or if someone did that for her, I don’t know if her dad didn’t show up to her first day of school. She’s a smokescreen who wears worn cashmere.

She asks how I’m doing with taking my medication. I bite my lip. I tell her I think impersonating a version of myself only with a different brain chemistry isn’t no different from a lobotomy. I tell her doing penance for my brain chemistry tastes like soft violence. I recite Wild Geese. I tell her sometimes change feels like a form of murder. She picks up her pen, looks at me, says “taking your medication is the same as a diabetic taking their insulin.” 

Time fractured here and I remember this least of all. I keep a suitcase packed. I am hitting all the pinnacles of low. For one hundred and sixty eight hours, I barely move a muscle. I fall asleep on the bathroom floor. In my head I am not here. I watch the hazy orange glow at the end of my neighbour’s cigarette. I think a lot about potential and people who never go anywhere and never want more and wonder if they’re insane for never demanding it or if it’s just realistic. Is it their fault for never wanting more? Is this all they know? Are the walls not closing in on them? Is this not soft violence? I have a grudge against the world I can’t rid myself of. I total a car.  

Thank you for taking the depression screening questionnaire. Your answers show that you may be feeling symptoms of depression. Your results have been forwarded to your primary care provider or behavioral health provider if they are part of your care team. Please note that it may take 2-3 business days for your results to be reviewed. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to reach out directly to your physician or behavioral health provider.

Please know that we have tools to help support your mental well-being. We’re dedicated to making sure the next steps our members take on their care journey is the right one for their health.

The sky is falling and Beth cannot accept that I have an aversion to grounding techniques. Later I will go and pick at old wounds and find new ones to pour salt into. The fact that they hurt is just as important as the fact they exist. Beth asks what triggered this. I want to tell her that she is neither gauze nor kevlar and I do not need saving or redemption. I am perfectly okay being this perfectly ruined thing. I ask her if she knows about Théodore Géricault’s Raft of the Medusa. She tries to steer the conversation back in the right direction. We have a questionnaire to fill out. Have you been restless lately? How’s your appetite? I eye the clock out the corner of my eye. The rain is smashing against the window pane and I want to run outside.The lights are too bright, I can feel the heat pooling under my clothes, the collar of my sweatshirt is suffocating. How are you doing in school? I bite my tongue so hard I see stars.

Hi, this is Beth.

I missed you at your video appointment today. Is everything ok? It has been a while since we last met. Please schedule a follow up as soon as possible by calling 1-866-560-8728, or responding to this message.